Time heals, perhaps even MS
As you move on in life, you will find that perhaps your diagnosis was something that needed to happen to see what is really important in life. It is not an expensive new car, clothes, jewelry. It’s health and acceptance, though flawed the best of times.
Unfair
Once again I am here. A small, busy waiting room in hospital. People waiting, wondering, dreading, hoping. How much longer will I need to be here? When will it be the last time I can walk in here with a neurological illness and when will I be able to walk out with that nagging, progressing disease eradicated from my central nervous system? It is not fair. Nobody deserves to be here. Nobody is ever prepared to hear what the stranger in front of them will have to say. A neurologist looks at your test results, gazing, thinking. Do they wonder how they will tell you that from this minute onwards, your life as you once knew it, is now over? Unfair is the way it was thrown at me, at…
Beware of the thief!
In between trying to set up a new laptop today and resting enough before another batch of daily tasks comes my way, I came across an email about MS and the question what MS has stolen from us. In her blog post, Nicole Lemelle says “Multiple Sclerosis robs us of our outside roles and independence. Which most times amounts to our identities”. So where do I begin? Do I even want to answer this? Will it lead to feelings I thought half forgotten?
Dissecting words
“Billie… smile!” “Billie, this is a business company, not the beach!” “Oh Bee, you’re such a bad dancer!” “It must be great being on sick leave so much; it’s like being on a long holiday!” “Look at her, Monday morning and still drunk!” These sentences might just be background noise to some, but to a person with a neurological illness, those words can cut like tiny slithers of glass.
Single life?
"However, I am not MS and MS is not me. It may reside inside my brain but that is where the relationship ends. I accept it is there, but it will not make me long for a relationship just to be in a relationship, or to have someone present to care for me day in, day out. Quite independent, indeed."
Philosophy of Friendship
Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. Albert Camus An empty white page on my laptop. Too warm to write, too warm to make sense out of nonsense on my own. In fact, even when I’m not on my own, my non(sense) seems to consist of bouts of gibberish fueled by a brain roasted like a Kentucky Fried Chicken. No need to travel to the Mediterranean to have heatwaves; I never said life in Ireland would make sense. In between July 1st and today there’s been the birthday of yours truly. No, I didn’t spend it drinking, smoking and getting high. As you know, said yours truly is of the non-party-animal…
Pride
Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live. (Jim Rohn) Being unwell? For those who only have an odd cold or flu, they believe they cannot possibly feel any worse. For those who battle cancer, ‘being unwell’ becomes a triumph over adversity if their treatment is successful. I often find myself floating in between the mere feeling of the flu or the worst pain possible (trigeminal neuralgia, remember?). On days like that, my illness feels like my body betrays me, day in, day out. Unlike people who have cancer and have the possibility of having their illness ‘cured,’ the course of my multiple sclerosis can only be ‘modified.’ Therein lies the betrayal. Modified becomes a permanent word in your vocabulary. Modified. Not cured, only modified.
