3.30am. Eye pain and headaches have taken an option on my sleep, wanting to do better than each other. In addition to that, ideas for a blog post keep flying in my head. My mind is busy compartmentalizing thoughts while my eyes are in charge of my sleeping patterns. Nice!
And now my hair also hurts. Seriously, it does! The frequent – if not chronic pains – have prevented me from blogging much lately so I am slowly turning into a state of anarchy. Several attempts of writing happened but none were finished because either sleep came knocking on my door, or I have to analyze a few episodes of James Joyce’s Ulysses for the reading group I’m in, or I have other things requiring attention. So if I do manage to finish this post, please forgive my rambling on. As I said, my eyes and brain are in charge of the rest of my intellectual being right this minute and I have very little say in what I want the rest of my body to do.
While I intend to “just exist” for the rest of the day, I do feel guilty for not blogging much (the guilt is an acquired Irish thing, mind you). I hope I won’t have any phone calls today (yep, my eyes and ears still hurt when talking on a mobile phone) and no cleaning, ironing, washing and/or reading (oh noooo!) will be done today. What will be on the menu will be lots of “RRS” or Rest, Relaxation and Sleep.
Trust me though, life is seriously linear and irreversible so if possible, I want to do more than “just exist” because it could be over in a split second. These days however I have less physical things I can/have to/want to do. In a James Joyce reading group. Sleep. Seeing Shakespearean and Joycean theatre plays. Rest. Read. More rest. Watch TV. Facebook. Sleep. Food shopping. Cinema. More sleep. Read some more. Fall asleep with book in my hands. Fall asleep in front of TV. Fall asleep in the cinema. Eat. More rest. And more sleep.
And while I can boast about having joined a Joycean reading group recently, it’s the reading and analyzing that will get me in the end because a) you need eyes to read, b) you need to be awake to be able to read and c) you need both at the same time. That’s something that will be hard to do over the coming 14 weeks. Always wanted to tackle Ulysses in full, so now I get together with other Joycean lovers of all things James and I cannot let this opportunity slip.
Other than that, nothing much happened in the last few weeks: I still did not win the lottery, but you can’t win if you don’t play, right? Been to the hospital twice on ophthalmologist appointments and now tell me, is ophthalmologist not a brilliant word? Had hoped to find out more about my recent eye pains, but as cute as the ophthalmic doctor was, he seriously lacked knowledge on what I have to do to get rid of the pain, how to prevent it and what causes it, so I am now referred back to my GP. Hello?!? You: supposedly-very-intelligent-eye-doc; me: hurting-here-can’t-you-see-it? Sigh… off I go again so to my GP. I already see him frowning when I tell him about my ophthalalala-adventures.
The other news came in the form of something I truly appreciate: receiving the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. I finally feel like people do find something valuable in what I write, even though what I sometimes write is just pure drivel. Gaining self-confidence when writing is something I am gradually getting better in, so please stay with me on this blog. I need you, the public, in my life as a blogger to help me move forward to better things. Do I still dream of writing a book? Yes I do. Silently, in the back of my mind and with enough confidence to be able to finish a book, even if it’s just a 20-page book.
Been philosophizing also after someone asked me last week what it means when I say that I became who I always was supposed to be. It’s not rocket science now is it? It took some time and a couple of years of turning into different roads before getting there but once I knew how, what, when and why, I ended up being who I am today. All roads lead to Rome, or in my case, all roads were set to lead to Ireland, as if everything I did was unconsciously leading me to Clonsilla, Ireland. And now I am here I feel like things have fallen into its rightful place in my life, and in my mind.
Proud of having achieved that dream? Yes. Proud but not vain; proud of what I so far achieved because I never thought I’d love my job in Ireland so much, getting a couple of achievement awards and nice yearly reviews and on top of that and a certificate in psychology and diploma in counseling (with merit I might add :)). I still dream about returning for my degree in psychology, learning Italian and delving into literature courses but I am not setting time limits anymore. Life goes on, despite being ill and I now live a life free of time management schedules and deadlines. Loads of philosophizing so and loved every second of it!
MS is a big part of my life because it made me retire from work 3 years ago, but I will not let it stop me achieving more goals. Like the famous saying goes: “I may have MS but MS does not have me.” Thank you Montel Williams for making this phrase so famous!
And the eye pain, hair follicles trying to kill me, mad headaches, left-side neuropathic pains and sleepless nights?
© Willeke Van Eeckhoutte and Ireland, Multiple Sclerosis & Me, 2011-2013. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Willeke Van Eeckhoutte and Ireland, Multiple Sclerosis & Me with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.