To my brother, gone 19 years too many

I heard you laughing when I woke up today, and thought, “You’re here. You’re not in that faraway place I cannot escape to just yet. But please, give me a sign, reach out, I need to know if you still see us.”

Half a second later, reality set in, just like it had for the past 19 years. The longer you’re gone, the more I find reasons to wish you were still here, but I’m grateful for the time we did have and the love you left behind.

I still miss your quiet support when you guided me when I needed strength. You were more than a brother; you were my first hero, a steady presence in my life, an unspoken promise that you’d always have my back.

Each day, there are things I want to tell you about.

Mum is still the strongest person on our side of the hemisphere, still ad-libbing the funniest replies to shut up the most ignorant of people. She is more driven than most people and accepts more challenges than ever, yet still reflects on who or what caused you to leave so soon. If I could have stepped into your shoes, I would have, as the parallels of our illnesses played out uncannily, including the exact day of your treatment falling on the exact day of my MS diagnosis. Both brains, both fried, albeit yours in a clinically less chronic fashion.

As time goes on, my memories are getting harder to reach—my brain functions when MS allows it to, so looking at photos of you is a daily godsend. Each one of them has an urgent need to remember.

So to this day, I still find parallels and paradoxes in our lives, as well as reclaimed memories that tell me you are so painfully and eternally missed.

Nineteen years still feel like one day, a notion that no matter when, we will meet again but rest assured, your memory continues to shape who I am.

You will forever be a part of me.

Forever in my heart.

◾3443 Needles on irelandms.com, Best Blog Post, Ireland Blog Awards by Ashville Media Group, Dublin, Ireland

◾ Everyday Health: Top 10 MS Blogs to Follow in 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2018

◾ Feedspot: Top 45 Best Multiple Sclerosis Blogs and Websites in 2025, 2024, 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017

◾ My Therapy: Multiple Sclerosis Blogs: 10 of the Best

◾ MyTherapy: Best MS Blog for Simplicity 2018

◾ Blog Awards Ireland: Winner Best Blog Post 2018; Finalist 2017, 2015, 2014 (Awards competition discontinued from 2019 onwards)

© Willeke Van Eeckhoutte and Ireland, Multiple Sclerosis and Me, 2026