I will survive!

When nothing goes left...What do you do when you are faced with a 5-minute life-changing situation that will affect the rest of your life? Do you run, do you freak out, do you sit back and take it all in or do you simply just get on with life and let the future reveal itself?

I’ve been through a few of those life-changing events. In fact, I’ve been through a few too many in too short a time. But, as the old adage goes, life goes on.

You keep on going with the flow, obviously. What else can you do, otherwise? You know you are not the only one who is or will be faced with things that will impact their lives forever.

Now, I am not the one to rethink and over-analyse, not anymore. Nope, the “fight or flight” survival mode is installed very deep in my brain; so much so that the fight switch is darn stuck on that modus operandi. It’s that little voice, that gut feeling, however, that tells you what is going on.

For example, even though the new guy I met was not the right one for me, I just didn’t want to give in to that little voice at all. Three months I kept pretending I didn’t notice it until it came roaring at me, “WILL YA PLEASE EVER LISTEN TO ME, OR WHAT??”

“Jeez, no need to scream THAT loud,” I thought. “I hear ya, I hear ya!

When I finally did acknowledge it, it was right. There were no tears, no regrets, just feeling good about something that my instinct had tried to warn me about for a good while. I felt like the weight of the world had fallen off my shoulders.

Romantically it was the best decision I have ever made. Or was it really “I” who let go? After all, it was my gut feeling or even my unconscious mind that did all the hard work for me. I just sort of tagged along for the ride and reaped the benefits upon arrival. Am I really responsible for that thought, so? As an INFJ-personality, I put a lot of belief in the power of intuition and the unconscious mind.

Around the same time as the bad boy antics were going on, a neurologist told me “You. MS.” What I had feared was ultimately proven right. Deep inside, my instinct had been nagging me for a long time, “Girl, you know you haven’t been well physically.”

There was a battle going on inside my brain. Not believing the diagnosis, not wanting to believe, laughing it away and behaving as if I was still as fit as a fiddle. Something had to give, and it did. Despite studying Freudian psychoanalysis and knowing that the unconscious mind governs our behaviour to a greater degree than one might realise, I seemed selectively mute to

To this day, 6 years later, I am still having the conscious/unconscious battles going on in regards to the biggest life-changing event I’ve so far had to deal with. But those thoughts are not life-changing anymore, they’ve taken on the form of “will I do my dishes now or will I sleep a bit more first and will I not feel guilty if I decide to sleep a bit longer”… Nothing too drastic so, at least not so if you don’t mind your dishes waiting to be done another day!

More than often I just let them decide for itself. I’ve made big decisions about my illness and look… I am still alive. Now how the hell did that happen? Surely I was not going to survive such a diagnosis?? But hahaha to those who thought I would not survive, I beat you! I will keep on beating you and you know what? I don’t give a damn anymore what you think of me, as long as I am happy with myself! How’s that for surviving eh? :D

So when you think that you are going through a bad patch and you won’t survive… Just listen to your instincts and let time be the best healer it has always been. You will make it, on your own or with the help of others. But you will survive!

© Willeke Van Eeckhoutte and Ireland, Multiple Sclerosis & Me, 2011. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Willeke Van Eeckhoutte and Ireland, Multiple Sclerosis & Me with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

3 thoughts on “I will survive!

  1. Hi there dear.
    Thank you for sharing.i just want to add (… and we are the proof every day,) that we are not the illness, we are not our bodies and what we truly are is cultivated only through experiences.Could be constant pain,could be loneliness,could be fighting …but not surrender. I am watching the pain closely and the awakening too.
    I think our lives are so meaningfull.
    thank you for being you.

  2. Meiske,
    héél goed geschreven, de waarheid met de nodige humor, en ja… schrijf een boek, je hebt er de aanleg voor!
    Het is top-leesmateriaal!
    Ben trots op jou,
    je mama.

    1. Merci mama! Heel mooi wat je schrijft… ik ga proberen een boek te schrijven, je weet maar nooit wat er allemaal uit mijn pen (nou ja… laptop) zal en kan vallen :D)

      Ik zie je zeer, zeer graag!


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