My brother’s silence
A small, black leather wallet. Used, worn and carrying the scent of the jeans my brother used to wear.
A plectrum, faded by the many songs he played on his bass guitar.
Memories. Too many to fill my mind at once.
Love. Too deep to ever forget he was my brother.
Photographs. Me receiving a kiss from him at 4. Another one, his arm around me in the back garden in Belgium. His joking around, warm and catchy like a summer’s breeze in Ireland. His broad smile standing at U2’s recording studios in Dublin.
How does a mother ever get over the death of her firstborn?
How does his only sister deal with his legacy, his children?
I do not want him gone, I need him here.
His voice a forgotten memory.
I cannot recall his voice.
His treatment for a tumour in his brain on the day I heard I had a 99% chance of having MS. Our brains acting out on the same side of our faces, our symptoms eerily similar. My illness with me forever; his treated and gone that day. The wheel of fortune favoured him, and I will forever be glad it did.
We never fought. We never answered each other’s comments by slamming doors or walking away.
We talked.
We talked, but not enough.
His love and joy for his children… no man sweeter than my brother. The tears when my niece arrived, the twinkle in his eye when his son was born.
Grief, a tear in my mind when others talk about their brother.
A hug I cannot feel anymore. A future we will not share anymore. There is a silence I cannot place, memories that are beginning to fade.
The silence he leaves behind, follows me in places in Ireland I know he would have loved, he would want to return to time after time.
Will I ever see him again?
Will I ever hear his voice again?
I must.
But I cannot recall his voice.
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© Willeke Van Eeckhoutte and Ireland, Multiple Sclerosis & Me, 2013.
39 Comments
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Lea Ann Lewis
Your ability to describe the love & loss of your brother I find incredible. I don’t recall ever reading anything as heartfelt as this. Your writings also gave me comfort & a much better understanding of some of the emotions I’ve recently felt about losing a dear friend. I’m going to read this over & over. It’s healing for me, and I’m grateful for you sharing your story 🙂 Peace & love to you always:)
Billie
Aaw thank you so much for saying this Lea Ann. Like you say, a lot of emotions go through you when you lose someone. I find just writing things like this are really helpful. You might not feel it straightaway, but it helps. I’m glad you find something in here that helps. Peace and love always back to you also. So glad you’re in my life!
socialbridge
Oh Billie, this is the most loving post I have ever read. My heart goes out to you and I hope tonight that you hear his lovely voice in your dreams. Hugs, j
Billie
Thanks Jean, that is very kind of you. Some days/nights are better than others, but he is very much still in my dreams at night. Hugs back!
Frances D
I lost my only sibling Joseph 2/2/1990 – he was 26 years old. Unmarried. No children. We had very similar voices – family could not tell us apart on the phone. I miss him so much. Sending good vibes your way.
Billie
Thanks Frances. It’s not easy, is it? People always said that my brother and I were so alike in the way of speaking and the way we looked. Sending good vibes back to you xxx
Frances D
My father’s sister snd two brothers were with me at his funeral back in ’91. After the wake we four sat in the funeral, and the siblings began to talk about their adventures growing up. And I heard all the stories Daddy used to tell one more time. I could hear him in their voices and their turn of phrase; it was quite the experience.
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sheenmeem
My eyes were full of tears as I read your post. May God help you in your grief.
Billie
Thank you Sheen, it is very kind of you to say so…
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Roy McCarthy
Lovely post Billie.
Billie
Thanks Roy!
Passenger
Hugs. Thank you for sharing. I to lost my brother and my only sibling in the 90’s. All of us can listen to silence together and maybe take comfort. Be at peace.
Billie
So sorry to hear of your brother, we can indeed listen to their silence together. It’s never easy…
Have a wonderful Christmas and a fantastic 2014! xxx
Passenger
Thank you so much. I hope your holiday is joyous as well.
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